Larkin has a terrible cold. Snotty red nose and her eyes are swollen and watery. And her cough. It’s just her regular cough sound but to others she sounds like croup. It isn’t croup. She smokes. A lot. Unfiltered but we are working on her going to lites. L’s cough sounds terrible but it’s just her sound. No worries. She marinates in the shower off and on through the day and I hold her.
Yesterday morning she was in my arms drinking a bottle. (yes I know it’s time to make those go away but she is stubborn) She is looking up at me and I have her wrapped deep in my elbow. I am looking deep into the eyes of pure love. Her eyes are the color of Andy’s. Greenish/blueish/gold which at times can look lavender. It was more then the color. Her eyes are love. Watching me and the flood of love and warmth just rushed over me. She knows she is safe. I know I am safe. She doesn’t judge. She has the extra chromosome we all need. Tears started to fall from mine when I realize that I need to have that same look in my eye. When I look at someone I need to have that same open loving non-judgemental look.
I’ve had plenty of people over the years tell me that I look mad or am giving a dirty look. 99.9% of the time, I am just lost in thought. I don’t even think of what or whom I am looking at…I’m 3 worlds away. Instead of being 3 worlds away I am trying to be present. Present for the time I spent holding my sweet girl and enjoying her eye contact with me. We lost that for so long. Having her look at me was I thought the most amazing thing UNTIL she burst into giggles. I have no idea what about but she just disolved into pure laughter. She also lost her giggles and laughter to the seizures for so long that now we enjoy them like syrup/butter on hot pancakes. I giggled back in a silly way which sent her back into fits of giggles and I went right along with her. We rode that giggle wave until our faces hurt.
Cold be damned. She and I giggled. She looked deep into my eyes and her soul and mine were one. Much like with sweet Chase. His eyes are more my color. Green (super green when we cry) and I feel as if I am staring into a mirror. He is a mirror. A mirror of love and feeling safe. My babies always make me feel complete and safe. The eyes. Windows to the soul. My babies have good souls and hearts. Chase has been through much. Accepting a sibling who gets a lot of the attention. Although he lacks for none, it still has to be hard. He played baseball this weekend and I saw him in the dugout – and knew in that second that someone had hurt his feelings. Someone had reached into him and made him feel bad. Mama bear wasn’t happy. Mama bear still isn’t happy. I know my babies and their eyes tell it all to me. Protective as I am though- he is having to learn the hard lessons of life. Not everyone treats others the way they should. Not everyone has the extra chromosome in their life that teaches them that there is much more to life. Chase has it. I have it. Andy has it. Larkin has made us more vulnerable in ways and safer in others. She cured our peripheral vision when we didn’t even know it was blurred. She opened our eyes. She makes our soul better. She’ll do the same for you. Just ask and I’ll let you hold her. She might ask you for a light but don’t give it to her. She needs to get rid of her cough.