I finally made the decision. Pulled the trigger. Took the step. Whatever you want to plug in for what is going down – I caved in. Since Larkin was born doctors and some family and friends have encouraged me to get handicap parking permission.
I have never wanted that because we are not handicap. At least in my mind. I can walk with her and carry her most any place. She slides into her stroller easily and we move through life. Well my friends that was 3 years, 39 months, 32 pounds, and still not walking ago. My body aches from carrying her. My shoulders and back are killing me most of the time and yesterday I couldn’t look to the right very well because my neck would catch and spasm.
Beyond me it’s more about her. Larkin’s red blood cells have continued to grow larger and we have to watch her blood carefully. I love her Hematologist and he is a self proclaimed “zebra hunter” and he will ring the alarm when something is amiss. For now her hands and feet are often purple/blue and cold even if we keep her inside and we must be very careful not to expose her to cold. Yeah – did anyone notice the negative temps here in Illinois?
I make shopping decisions based upon how close I can park. How cold is the weather, how close can I get and how easily/quickly can I get inside with her. Do we really need to eat dinner cooked at home which requires me stopping at the store or order in?? Sometimes it works to my advantage. 🙂
When I took her to Florida in December, we flew from the Indianapolis airport. I was forced to park in the garage and pay $130 for the week because I can’t expose her to the elements and park in long term parking. It was actually an ok deal because I valet parked the car and called from the runway and they had the car warmed up and met us at the door and she was in a warm car seat right away.
I broke down after this cold spell because it really cramped my ability to live a functional life. I broke down and called her Neurologist for a handicap parking application. Why does that make me sob?? Why do I feel so defeated?? I don’t know and will continue to ponder it but I have to think of it in the same way I think and write all her requirements for baby-sitters, friends, doctors and Unit 4 schools – “In Larkin’s best interest and for Larkin’s safety”
Mother heed thyself – for Larkin’s best interest and for Larkin’s safety I need the license plate with the little wheelchair .
Here is the way I am looking at it. Larkin is working so very hard to walk. Get this – Larkin’s physical therapist and her aide have her inside a hula-hoop. Larkin holds onto the hula-hoop as she is guided along to walk. We want her to walk without our hands or thinking she needs our hands and the hoop is amazing for helping her realize she can do this. The hoop also gets her hands out in front of her instead of behind her to grasp onto hands. Larkin’s body is like jello when we do this but that stems from being sick for so long and losing over 7 pounds.
WHO KNEW?? A hula-hoop??
As the weather changes and it becomes warmer I will be able to park close and allow her to practice walking from the car to our destination. I will be able to throw her walker into the car and she will push herself along. She will quickly learn the routine and by parking close she won’t be defeated by becoming tired. Independent walking is the goal and we are far from it but we are closer every day.
It’s the little things we like to hang onto because somehow it makes us feel OK inside. That we are not “different” we are not “handicap” ….. pride goes before a fall and I can’t allow Larkin to fall literally and figuratively.
I am going to let this go in time and my heart will stop yearning. It really is OK and life moves on, one shaky little step, with a belly binder, with a walker, with my hands, with a hula-hoop, at a time. And when she does take those independent steps my tears of feeling like I am caving in will become tears of joy.