My friend Shelli and I were talking over breakfast one morning and she casually made mention of how I seem to always be positive, put together and ok with the journey of Larkin. I have mulled that over since and realized that every day I make a choice. I make the choice to be happy and find the positive in my day.
This journey is far from easy and I told Shelli that everyday there is something that breaks my heart a little. I came home to drag out the Thesaurus and find the true meaning of heartbroken. I chuckled at the descriptions, inconsolable, forlorn, brokenhearted, despairing, without hope, dejected, and disconsolate. None of which describe what I truly mean when I use the term heartbroken.
Therefore, what is it I feel when that twinge is in my heart area? What is that heavy weight on the chest when overwhelming news is given; a child is seriously ill, a loved one dies, a trusted mate/partner/friend has done something hurtful? When you hear on the news, a child has been abducted.
Grief. The list of emotions is long but the four major I detect are anger, resentment, acceptance, joy all of which come into play in the world of grief. I have said it before and I will say it a million times again, grief moves through us, we do not move through it. Our relationship to the grief changes over time and that is how we come to make the everyday choices.
Everyday I see a child that does something my child will not, everyday I read a story or hear something on the news that makes me ache for the sorrow and worry some face. Sometimes I hear a parent speak harshly to their child and inside I cringe and wish I could convey to them how they sound. Those things come at us in daily life that we absorb and disseminate how we choose to react.
Today I snapped a photo of Larkin at school using her little walker. Watching my little girl use an item that grandmothers, nursing homes, and an adult going through rehab might need, causes that heavy feeling on my chest, the twinge in my heart, a quick sprout of tears, but also the huge surge of pride that she is walking and moving in line with her classmates.
Guess which emotion gets the best of me and therefore I make an everyday choice. Pride. I am giggling at a few descriptions of this word too BUT most fit; satisfaction, pleasure, delights, gratification, self-respect, dignity, self-esteem, and honor.
Everyday I make the choice to feel pride in my little girl and I am humbled by all that she struggles to do. Is that an oxymoron? I am so proud of her for being able to take a breath, clap her hands together, and smile and look at us in the eye. I am humbled and honored that God gave such a precious gift to me made of flesh and bone. I am humbled and honored that He entrusted me with His precious child. I am humbled because I know many others who struggle with far worse.
So yes, I am upbeat and positive because I choose to be. When someone asks, “How are you?” I can honestly answer “great” because life is too full of beauty and no one should be subjected to a list of negative when the media and life circumstances already throw it at us.
However on those days when you can’t find your footing, need a hug, or some of those tears find their way down your cheeks, breakfast with your girlfriends is the best choice every time. We give to each other, satisfaction, pleasure, delights, gratification, self-respect, dignity, self-esteem, and honor. That is the pride of friendship – so thank you Shelli and all of my friends who help make my everyday choice easier.