Quiet for many reasons and I will try to write this out so that it makes sense. Bear with my meandering soul and thoughts for a bit.
I became very sick with a sinus infection on Mothers Day. Thirteen played baseball in a town about 2 hours away on the Saturday prior and I sat in the sun/wind all day. Not that it was the cause but I felt fine going and the next day it was as if someone had sucked all the life out of me.
I never got out of bed on Mothers Day or the next 2 days. THAT is how you know a mom feels bad. I lost my hearing and was exhausted from saying “excuse me – what?” to anyone who tried to have a conversation with me. I didn’t answer the phone and facebook, emails, and anything that required effort or input I simply had to ignore.
Then I would have a day where my energy level was back up and I would get out of bed and go through the motions of my day however, I paid for that burst the next 3 days. This went on for 3 weeks and I now only feel slightly headachy, stuffy, and my teeth sort of hurt.
Why not take an antibiotic?
One more reason the girl went quiet. We found out in March that we are pregnant. There were a few complications and it was 8 weeks later that we confirmed that we are still pregnant and …. Wait for it….. wait for it…..
I will not put anything into my body that would change the safe environment the babies are in therefore an antibiotic is not on my agenda. I have been absorbing the news with all the fear a mother who walks in my shoes does. Sonogram – schmogram – nothing is going to make me feel good until they are born on time, healthy, and my health is good. I gave brief thought to pre-natal testing which of course made me laugh hard. Larkin’s CVS results were wrong and any testing done I will not believe anyway. It won’t make a difference to the outcome as I will not terminate BUT I would like to deliver and be prepared for any issues that we can.
Both babies measure perfectly and the doctors and I have had extensive conversations about my worries. I know too much and I know exactly what can go wrong at any point be it genetic issues, cord issues, infections, and a host of other things. In 6 months, we welcome new additions to the family.
However through a great deal of time, prayer, thought, and watching my husbands pure joy at having more children – I am calm. Peace is reigning and I am careful not to watch the discovery channel or any birthing stories. I do not want to hear anyone’s horror stories. My babies will be what God intends them to be and come what may; I will step up to the plate, as He has always trusted me to do.
Larkin is the lucky one. She will have two siblings to push, shove, and probably fight her into further development. L is my pure joy, love, light, and redemption. She saved me from myself, gave me purpose, and shattered the person I used to be. I use the word shattered because I felt like a bag of glass for a long time. It took time, prayer, thought, and courage to rebuild and step up to that plate.
Thirteen is tremendously excited. I don’t think he yet really comprehends that this aint no walk in the park but he will eventually when nights become days and days become filled with laundry and crying.
Quiet does my soul good and I have taken this time to find my footing with this particular curve ball. Summer is in full swing with baseball at the forefront and tennis right behind. L has been in the pool three different times and she is a force to watch in the water.
God is great always. He has blessed me with the greatest gifts even when it doesn’t always seem like a gift or blessing but a lot of hard work. Hard work is a good thing though. Otherwise, I could be getting into a lot of trouble with the energy I have.
On another note, Larkin is doing great with the diet wean. We have not seen any signs of the dreaded “S’s” and she seems to be feeling better. Smiles and giggles abound and her development is really improving. One thing we know is that being in Ketosis can make you feel nauseous so perhaps she has felt that way for 2 years and now that we are increasing her carb intake, she has more energy. As of July 1 she will be out of ketosis and we will slowly begin to let her eat an unrestricted diet but I will always keep her sugar intake in check.
She has been doing the sweetest thing lately. She loves loves loves music and singing to her is one of the best ways to reach her. We will lie in bed and if I begin to sing, she immediately scoots over to me and lies on my chest watching my mouth. If we are lying in bed chillin and she wants me to sing she will reach up and with her hand pat my mouth so I will sing. GREAT signal for what she wants huh???
Anyway, singing is our thing and yesterday I was in bed with her and singing with her on top of me watching my mouth when I realized the noise she was making was actually, her TRYING to speak. She was pulling from her diaphragm with air and making deep throat noises trying to very hard to get something to come out. She so wanted to imitate my noise.
Can you IMAGINE trying to speak and not being able to do so? Can you IMAGINE how frustrated she must be to want to do something so badly and it just doesn’t come? Andy came into the bedroom, I had him watch her and listen, and it was pure joy and heartache at the same time. I wish I could reach down into her and just pull it out. Give her the gift of the beautiful voice I know is down in my girl.
I will keep singing – even though I have a terrible voice – my girl loves it. I dreamed last night that she spoke a sentence. I have never dreamed that before….perhaps one day soon? Heck, if I can show up pregnant with twins, anything is possible.
Quiet is a thing of the past.