Things are different now.
After losing my close friend I’ve taken a great deal of time to be alone or with my immediate family. Speaking with a friend about how long it has been since she has seen me I told her that I am profoundly sad even though life is really going well.
I’ve needed a lot of time to just be sad and as my friend Angie Heaton taught my children and me, “It’s OK to be sad”
In taking this time I noticed a change to my life & house
Andy & I spend a lot of quality time together and our marriage while always solid, we have hit a stride of relaxation with each other one that we haven’t felt in years
The kids live in a house that teaches independence and so much of that is kicking in now that the twins are 3 and Larkin is on an amazing upward learning curve. Erin gets up and finds her oatmeal packets, adds milk, and prefers it raw. Brin finds a favorite breakfast bar and will play with books or her Ipad until everyone else is awake. Larkin loves the weekends and will ignore us when we go in to get her up and ready until she wishes to get up which is often around 9:30. Chase is in and out of the house as well with school/work.
We laugh a lot and while I have shed many tears, the overall feeling is a tight knit closeness I cherish
Perhaps it’s age and loss that helps one take stock in what is important. I don’t know because so much trivial unimportant stuff went by the wayside once Larkin was born I didn’t realize how much more there is to trim out of a day
The things I notice more is how we breathe a bit easier. Larkin was terribly sick December thru April but it was manageable and since June she has regained a lot of her stamina and strength and those long days have silently crept back to the recesses of my mind
I cleaned out our garage and a few closets and realized we no longer have “the bag” sitting upstairs ready to go. Hospital stays have become a distant memory and I question if Andy could readily produce “the bag” blindfolded, one handed, and a bit tipsy, since he has had such a long break from packing it. The man could pack that bag with every single thing I needed or could need for a hospital stay of 2 weeks solid
Dare I say we have ventured out as a family more often to grocery shop, movies here and there, and to the pool. Larkin hasn’t always appreciated the movie but at least we were all together and felt like we were living in the world vs stuck at home sick
My girlfriends I cherish and they have understood and felt the sadness but we have allowed each other to feel it without hovering or ignoring it. Gentle conversations that lend support, no judgments, tears or laughter (more often than not, both)
Summer is slowly draining away and I will miss these easy days but school routine is in full force and I find that I have a bit of free play ….. which means more writing and hopefully the grip of sadness will lessen as I make good use of the time