This was not expected.  At all.

I have never lost anyone close to me outside of a grandparent.  I’ve never lost someone I loved so dearly and spent most every day with in one fashion or another.

I have truly never felt such pain & grief but I am trying to make sense of it all and that is going to take a very, very long time, if ever.

Every time I blogged she always hit me back with a comment or some love.  She was always there for all her friends and knowing she took the time to read and share something back is just one more thing I will miss for as long as I live.

Today I am proud to honor her

Irina was so much more than I can put into words.

Many knew Irina as a Master Gardener.  She loved her plants, dirt, garden, etc.

I knew Irina Stewart as a Master Gardener of friendships.

She cultivated many and planted us next to each other.

Even when we didn’t know it she knew we would bloom and be beautiful.

She groomed our roots to be supportive in a network of love and grace.

She made me a better person, friend, and in her honor I will push to be so much more just as she was.

Love each other.

TELL each other.

Friendships that you have with that best girl you talk to every day ~ TELL HER.

Don’t let any petty bullshit get in your way of love and living the way we should.

Supporting one another and being kind, loving, cheerleaders, and most of all the very best teammates in this amazing short life.  You are never guaranteed the next text, call, hug, or just saying I love you.

Expect me to hug you & love you and continue her passion of growing friendships.

With love & a broken, bereft heart,

Amy

I am named after my great great grandfather Larkin Timothy Murphy

I am a little girl

I am 7 years old

I am loving

I am sweet

I am stubborn

I am patient

I am demanding

I am funny

I am smart

I am beautiful

I am empathetic

I am capable of learning, loving, and sharing both with you

I am in love with Elmo, Taylor Swift, and Super Why

I am curious

I am a self advocate

I am a swimmer

I am a member of my community

I am a classmate

I am included

I am a friend

I am a niece

I am a cousin

I am a sister

I am a grand-daughter

I am a daughter

I am an inspiration

I am loved

I am beloved

I am a messenger

I am a treasure

I am a child of God

I have grown weary of the R word war and had decided that I simply wouldn’t engage on every level and just let those who choose to use it go because it speaks volumes about them.

It’s not about Larkin.  I fully embrace the excuse “I don’t mean those kids” or “I don’t mean her” because I realize that a vast majority of people use this slang without ever understanding whom they mean or may be hurting.

A friend of mine asked me to help out yesterday with a person using the twitter handle @cycletard, mainly because this person claims to be a journalist and wrote under this name as a contributor to Examiner.com

I put out a tweet asking @cycletard and @examinercom what exactly the “tard” portion of her handle meant and referenced through hash tags the disability world.

@cycletard (and don’t bother looking for this twitter name anymore) responded with the most cowardly lie ever and then proceeded to slide down her lying liar hill of excuses.  She chose to give ME the definition of “tard” and that it was French. She asked me, “do you speak French?”

Lies and cowards who lie to hide behind more lies piss me off to no end.

Eventually I was told as the lies grew and grew that it was “hipster” and “Urban” for a cyclist to refer to himself or herself this way.  That the word “tard” is French for late and that “all” cyclists use it.

Via Twitter, other cycle enthusiast defending their use of the word “tard” attacked me and other disability advocates trying to help them realize we didn’t ever once ask them to stop using the word.  We simply asked them to define the meaning and when the lies were exposed their defenses came on and it felt like the 3^rd grade playground all over again.

Un huh.  Sure.  When I get on a bike the first thing I think of using is the word “tard” as a way to explain cycling or my passion for it. (sarcasm alert)

Anyway, I tell you all of THAT to get to THIS—while all of this was flying around on twitter, I was reading my feed and saw a Huffington Post article that made me physically sick.

And yes, I do mean physically ill.

I write this blog post with a heated flush all over my body, racing pulse, heart beating within a chest that feels as if it will cave in from pressure, and a lump in my throat the size of Montana.

I will not reference the article but you are welcome to go look for it.  I will no longer post these articles on social media simply because I can’t take the comments or watch it make the rounds.

A young girl who happens to be a special education student in New York, with an IQ lower than 60, was sexually assaulted while at school.  She was forced under a desk by two other students, and when she tried to get away they would hit her in the head.

I am a mother to two typically developing little girls and I worry about their physical safety.  I worry about my girlfriends and I am fairly confident in saying all women think about their own safety when it comes to sexual assault.

When Larkin entered my world and I learned a statistic you may not know.

Over 96% of individuals with an intellectual disability are either sexually assaulted or molested in their lives.

Sit on that one for a while.

This is the number they KNOW of and often times the abuse and assault goes unreported.

Larkin’s IQ is no where near 60, she is non-verbal, she could never fight back, she could never tell me with words, and it is at the top of my list of things I put in the back of my head that never go away ever but that I can’t think about non-stop because I will lose my mind and never let her out of my sight.

In her name, I am going full disclosure here.  I was the victim of an attempted molestation when I was 12 years old.  I knew what he was trying to do was wrong, he was a family member by marriage, he knew what he was doing was wrong, and I never told anyone for four years.

I ran from him and never went to their home again without another person being there. I was blamed when I did tell.  I was asked what I did to provoke his attempts.  I was even asked what I was wearing at the time because you know … I surely asked for it.  Not by my parents, mind you, but by others who were a part of the process. To this day I will forever despise them, and they know exactly who they are and what they did.

Society has come a long way since my personal experience with sexual assault, and as a parent I have had serious conversations with my son from a very young age to give him the skills to not only fend off a grooming from someone we may know should he ever find anyone trying to harm him in that way, but also that he must come tell me or someone else that he trusts.  Immediately. I will do the same for my twins.

But Larkin is not able to tell me if someone hurts her, so you can understand my physical response to the article, and, perhaps, the rage that makes my head ache and my heart pound.

Even the armies of Heaven could not stop me from hurting someone who tried to hurt my children.

Over 96% of people with intellectual disabilities will be sexually assaulted.

The odds are against us. So parents like me try to push those worries aside.

Which brings me back to the conversation that was boiling over on twitter about cycletard.

My friend Robert Rummel-Hudson had my back on twitter, and today he wrote a blog about the experience we had.  I urge you to read his piece click here because he is not only an awesome father but also a talented writer who always gets it just right.

What cycletard (who is now known under a different twitter name because frankly even she knew deep down what she was saying was utter bullshit) and the others who came to her defense don’t understand is that their language is a weapon that enables emotional pain, violence and physical suffering.

Every. Single. Time.  Those who use the words—retard, retarded, tard, celebutard, cycletard—as a way to joke, insult, demean, or otherwise cause harm, they are helping to foster the idea that Larkin is less than.

Less.

She is not worthy.  She is a joke.  It is OK to hurt her.

Less.

It is so very PERSONAL because the harm that stems from what others view as a right to speech is EXACTLY the same process of “less than” that led two boys to hold down a little girl and force her to give them oral sex and hit her in the head when she tried to get away. It gave them the “right” to do that to her.

Until you step into my shoes or the shoes of those who have the duty and passion to protect a human being with a developmental disability you may never fully understand. I do not wish to abolish the word retard or retardation and I will fight for the 1st amendment almost as hard as I will fight for an even better word RESPECT.

But maybe, just maybe, my full disclosure of a painful time in MY life and  the fact that I didn’t tell anyone for 4 years as a typically developing 12 year girl who had a family who would have listened …..  maybe that will give you a glimpse of why the advocate in me boils over. I still feel angst over sharing this story right now. I want to throw up. I have so much rage inside me toward my attacker because he has never once apologized nor does he acknowledge what he did to me. My husband protects me dearly because he knows exactly what happened and for that I love him with a fierceness I didn’t realize I had in me to love other than for my children. I feel a sense of shame which is what happens to victims and that rage/shame combo has ignited a raging inferno toward those who attack the defenseless.

Thank you for reading, and now you know why I won’t ever stop trying to reach those who demean and degrade our children with their words and actions.

If I allow the slippery slope on my left to begin with ignoring those who attack my child at the basic level of her diagnosis as a joke, however innocent their claim may be, then I can’t look at what is to the extreme right ~ sexual assault. Because it’s all an assault on my baby, my love, my child, my children, my family, and the myriads of those in this world who live with or love someone who has a developmental disability.

Now I have to take a shower to let the hot tears clean away my rage, so I can welcome my girl back home from school.

I will tuck her safe into our little world, where we will always protect her as best we can.

Thank you for hearing me and if perhaps today this message of the R word reached you differently then my full disclosure has been worth it

School started in July for Larkin and it was a rocky start for her team.  I hesitate to write or share how I am feeling during those times because I have learned that it simply takes dedication and time to smooth things out.   Sharing my frustrations at a particular moment in time is not fair to anyone involved so I tend to go silent until everyone is on the same page.

Larkin’s team is truly amazing and everyone has stepped up to meet this little girl where she is currently and push her forward.  There was a significant break down in communication and in the implementation of the IEP and I was conflicted in my emotions ranging from anger, frustration, sadness, and just plain ole tired.

Deep breathing exercises along with a team that met tirelessly with me vetted out the approach that was in Larkin’s best interest and then I relaxed back into a life routine that allowed the school and team to work.

Hard work is exactly what Larkin (and her team) is doing every single school day.  I don’t like to use the word “routine” but rather consistency.  Consistent people, goal approach, sign language, words, along with translating the work that is done in one to one therapy sessions back into the classroom in a meaningful way, is the plan.

A plan that is working beautifully and made all the work and meetings totally worth it because Larkin is learning some amazing skills.

I met Brenda Learner a few years ago at a luncheon.  Brenda is a retired SLP but I see her often in schools or in social settings and she is lucky I don’t bear hug her every time I see her.  When I first met Brenda a luncheon we were introduced as having a common thread of therapist and me having a child w special needs.  Brenda asked me about Larkin and I responded with the usual clinical definitions and shared with her that one of my biggest heartbreaks is that I may never hear Larkin’s voice.

Brenda calmly smiled and asked me “can your daughter laugh” to which I said smiled and answered “yes she does now” (seizures had stolen Larkin’s laugh for a very long time) then Brenda asked me “can your daughter cry” which caught me a little off guard.  I chuckled and replied; “oh my yes can she ever” and Brenda’s response made me stop cold and tears well up in my eyes:

“Then your child will be able to speak”

How simple is that?  I totally (for the first time) understood the connection between breathing, sounds, and speech.

Simple yet so powerful and I floated out of the luncheon because Brenda had given me

HOPE

Because of hard work, consistency, translating therapeutic work into the classroom, and HOPE ~ Larkin has achieved some monumental goals.

Larkin has been using her PECS appropriately across settings at school.  When her Cross Cat teacher asked me to allow the team to try PECS I was open to it but had very low expectations.  Team approach means everyone has a place at the table and by all means necessary I am open to teaching this little girl to communicate and thank goodness!

Larkin’s OT uses a PECS of “swing” and since beginning the process in September Larkin has progressed from just learning to touch and hold the picture ~ to using it to communicate that she wants something ~ to identifying the difference between the “swing” picture and a “shoe” picture.

All the way to..

Signing, “swing” and approximating the words “mo” “wing”

Yes you read that correctly.

“MO” “WING”

AND ~ yes I am typing in all caps but not to display shouting (although that is appropriate) but that is an all caps SMILE

AND ~

In the last few weeks if you show Larkin a picture of a baby … (I use a wipes box that has a baby on the side) and ask, “what is this” Larkin will look (huge!) at the image and smile and in a very very very soft whisper voice say

“baby baby”

It has been amazing to hear the most delicious sound of “baby” softly whispered in a way that allows me to hear Larkin’s “voice”

I am smiling and so thankful for HOPE therefore I am spreading this message loud and clear for all who may be struggling or losing peace in the daily struggle of nevers, won’ts, can’ts, because this girl of mine fights through the chaos of subclinical non-stop seizures and there were (and will always be) some very dark moments but always always always keep HOPE tucked away near your heart and allow it to incubate because you never know when your baby will surprise you by climbing their mountain when you aren’t watching.

“Listen to the mustn’ts, child. Listen to the don’ts. Listen to the shouldn’ts, the impossibles, the won’ts. Listen to the never haves, then listen close to me… Anything can happen, child. Anything can be.” ― Shel Silverstein

We spend our days playing which for Larkin is therapy.  Swimming, music, friends, outings, and all the other things that a million other families are doing across the country.  Ours just looks a little different and takes more time ~ which leads to my random musings.

I have a few blogs posts rattling around in my head but it requires that I have the time and energy to sit and then process the emotions that come after.  I have had neither but Larkin starts school tomorrow, I will find my groove again, and blogging will again have a place in my world.

1.  No one ever wants to hear the words “Hi I’m Chris Hansen from Dateline NBC”

2.  A fly buzzing around a quiet kitchen might be more annoying than a toddler screaming

3.  Direct Deposit sounds gross even if you are talking about a paycheck

4.  I laughed til I cried when someone on Twitter suggested instead of taking down the Joe Paterno statue … they should have just covered it up for 12 years

5.  I’d like to see a family (including mine) have dinner and no one take out a phone during the entire meal

6.  How DOES Chris Hansen introduce himself at dinner parties? Does anyone panic?

7.  When exiting a tight seating row it’s proper to put your butt in the persons face ~ balance alone requires this.  You simply can’t move easily when you face the person and I find that odd ~ try it next time you are at a Cub game or in a theater

8.   I found a pair of heels that I just loved but could not bring myself to buy them after I saw the brand was “Paris Hilton” ~ aint giving that girl ANY dough

9.  Seriously who the hell doesn’t know who Chris Hansen is these days?  If they don’t they deserve to be arrested for that alone

10.  The person who invented the delay time brew on the coffee machine ~ I want to kiss on the mouth

What I don’t find is how self advocacy looks for a child who is severely and profoundly delayed like Larkin is or more so.  I felt like a failure, sad and tiny bit irritated when I would read or be invited to seminars on the subject and there was a whole other level of discussion via a group on social media from adults with disabilities who think parents have no idea what their child feels so parents/caregivers should not take the stance to speak for the child.  More self advocacy that has no place in our life because it doesn’t fit our child’s need.

I thought long and hard about this because it truly gave me pause due to the passion this adult (who happens to have Autism) brought to the discussion.  I was angry at first because how dare she tell me that I have no idea what Larkin feels or needs.  I do know this child and everything about her and the majority of my life is navigating her needs or wants.

I finally realized one of the most heartbreaking pieces to this life ~ I can’t speak for this child from her point of view nor can I tell her story as she feels and knows it.  She can’t articulate it either and that brings profound sadness to my heart BUT not to hers so I need to get over it.

During Larkin’s IEP team meetings over the past 7 months her teachers and those who I invited to be included have really helped articulate what Larkin CAN do versus what she isn’t able to do.  Promoting her strengths and write goals that bounce from there and it has been really awesome to put this together in a fluid flowing document that will follow her thru the years.

We don’t gloss over the hard stuff and I’ve had a few times in that room where I am not able to speak because of the lump in my throat and the grief that threatens to overwhelm me.

What became clear to me as the school worked with me was allowing Larkin choices thru her day.  Giving her time to relax in between therapy and working.  Working for a child like Larkin looks very very different than a typical child but so does chilling out.

It was in those moments that I realized that our entire life and home is set up for Larkin to self advocate.

I changed our home a long time ago when Larkin was having clinical seizures and falling constantly.  We bought soft furniture, padded the rugs, and moved things off of the walls and tables because she is excellent at clearing them off in one swipe.   Today Larkin has subclinical seizures all the time but no clinical presentation (knock on wood/throwing salt) but she continues to clear a table or wall in one swipe.  She could play in the major leagues of clearing.

Rooms in our home are set up so she can easily navigate what she wants safely.  Gates are in place for use when we don’t want her in the kitchen but for the most part she has free run.  Items that she wants are placed in the middle of the kitchen island so she can indicate to me what she wants but not be able to dump it out.

She will come into the kitchen and sign “more”, approximate verbally the word “more”, and sign “eat” and I will give her the pretzels that are her favorite.  I sometimes will offer her a choice to see what she will do.  Cheetos will always be the item preferred but I might give her a choice of cheese or pretzels.

Mealtimes I prepare a balance of items and Larkin clearly indicates to me when she no longer wants veggies, meat, or yogurt.  She might do it by shoving my hand away and spilling everything but I am cool with it because it is communication.  She also has a sign for “all done” and will often approximate the word “all done” at the same time.

Larkin also changes rooms and environment given her mood at any given moment.  I prop open the door to the backyard so she doesn’t have to open/close it.  It’s a very heavy door and she is able to open it but I don’t want her to get hurt so I just prop it during the times of the day/night that I allow outside play.  She tends to move through her day in between the front room playing with different toys, watching Joseph and The Amazing Technicolor Coat (we’ve watched it to the point of wearing out 6 cd’s now), or being outside on the swing set and eating dirt.

There was a time when she spent all of her day in my bedroom in bed and was very content there.  I was worried about this after a while because it seemed to me that she wasn’t exploring but eventually she changed rooms and now it’s a chaise in the front room where she spends a good amount of time watching the world out the window.  It’s very calming for me to see her doing things that show me the seizures don’t own her brain for as much as they occupy space there ~ they don’t own my girl.

Self advocacy for Larkin is exactly what it should be.  Telling us what she wants, needs, and changing her environment as she wishes.  All things done within the limitations for her safety but again she is advocating for herself what she wants.

As I was working on this piece a friend and fellow blogger asked if she could feature my home in a first of series she is doing on local homes and how people live in them.  I was honored that she would consider my life/home and I love Julie who wrote the piece.  It’s interesting how we may not realize how many of us out there don’t live in perfection but bask in the imperfections that create a home where children and friends can co-exist in love. Check out the blog piece and leave her a comment.  For pete sakes the girl can’t live without comments

I realize I don’t need to judge my parenting skills against others, conferences, training sessions, or anything else.  Larkin is my best barometer and today I have a little girl who moves about her life and family as only she can ~ full speed ahead, usually smiling, and sometimes eating dirt but always by making the choice herself.

Team meetings are held once a month so everyone touches base on what is working, what is not working, and tweaking the goals.  Early in the morning the administration, teachers, communication admin, speech/occupational/physical therapist, and aides all sit down with me and we talk about Larkin.

It took 7 months to write Larkin’s IEP because she is complex and I wanted it done right in order for transitions to be easier as we move her along every year.  Starting over is not an option and Larkin’s complexity needs a beautifully written fluid document that tells her story and needs to a complete stranger coming into her life.  That is how you write an IEP ~ so that if a completely new person enters Larkin’s educational life they can read it and know exactly what to do.

I had not had any coffee yet this morning so I was a bit fuzzy but Larkin’s speech therapist Donna said something that stopped my heart and I blinked back tears when I realized how profound this small statement was.

“She’s such a good girl”

Donna was giving her team update after coming back from our 3 week spring break on how well Larkin was doing and that she hadn’t lost anything over the time away from school.  Many children this complex lose skills while away from the regular therapy input and Larkin will often lose ground but this time we didn’t.  I attribute a lot of this to daily swimming at the YMCA and the weather has been so nice that she has been outside swinging and playing so we are constantly engaging her in physical activity which helps tremendously in retention of skills.

Donna was remarking on how well Larkin is responding to verbal input and when Donna asks Larkin to sit down ~ Larkin will find her chair and sit.  This is huge stuff in our world and cause for celebration.  But Donna continued with a smile and said

“She’s such a good girl”

In that sentence Donna smiled with every word and said it with such love that she humanized Larkin in a profound way for me.  In the daily grind of caregiving, ensuring all medical needs are met, that Larkin is happy, it is often easy to lose sight of the little girl who just IS and that really is all it takes to define Larkin.

I am reclaiming her in the softest and most simple of ways ~ My good girl

An older man got out with his daughter, him with a cane, moving slow, dragging his left leg, his left arm dangling.  Daughter being watchful and careful for his safety ~ and moving ever so cautiously to a bike that was to my immediate left.  Daughter helps dad onto the bike, sat on the floor, wrapped dads foot to the bike pedal, and stayed seated on the floor the entire time helping him work thru his PT  for what appears to me to have been a stroke.

It was all I could do to not burst into tears from the moment I saw him.  I am so deeply affected by people who struggle to make their bodies work again after an injury or whatever it is that life has handed them ~ it reminds me of all the long years it took Larkin to become stable, learn to walk and how hard she has had to fight to force her limbs to work together.  First crawling, long hours on a treadmill and gait trainer, using a walker, to finally steps alone.

This same Sunday morning we had taken Larkin to the YMCA to see if there were any areas of glaring safety concern.  I watched as she walked her frankenbaby walk thru the halls, dragging her right foot, an off center gait, limbs trying to work together.  I watch her in utter amazement because she has come so far and while she can’t necessarily appreciate what she is doing …. I can.  She can’t go for long periods of time because she simply doesn’t have the stamina but she can cover a lot of territory.

To Sunday afternoon dad & daughter working together to heal.  I slowed the treadmill, pulled my earbuds out and leaned down with a smile, “you are an amazing caregiver” to her ~ turning to dad to say “and you are doing a lot of hard work and it will pay off”

I stood and told them both that they were a vision of beauty ~ both smiled at me and I turned back to the treadmill

I watched them leave and dad refused the elevator, instead wanting to try the stairs.  Daughter holding onto him tight as he pulled his left side up each step trying to make the brain and body remember what it can do.

I ran those last 2 miles with tears in my eyes but without whining, stopping, or complaint.

I ran for Larkin and with her in my heart

The meetings are ok because I walk directly to a room and work begins so my mind is focused on events and planning

The picture taking requires me to roam the building and I prefer to do this alone

I am overwhelmed in these walls

I am more overwhelmed now that I am crossing paths with staff and hearing their programs and equipment that will be in place for Larkin’s Place programming

Hearing the passion and excitement from the wellness director about a families dance class, a teen work out class after school, and so much more to come ~ the recreational gymnastics coach telling me all about the equipment she has ordered that will be wonderful for all individuals BUT she ordered it with inclusion in mind ~

A collision of dreams with reality

A collision of grief with joy

A collision of “different” with “alike”

I have had to leave the building each time because the pressure on my chest is so heavy that I feel as if my heart is going to explode

To feel change and breath air that is filled with acceptance and love ~ it’s a process that I am working through emotionally

I have to do it now and take the private time to embrace the sacred, pray, talk with God, give it up to Him because it was His call, His time, His plan, His place, His doing

Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

Larkin was His beautiful nudge for me to change and grow

So much will happen within these walls

My tears will fall steadily as I see families and individuals coming together as one and feeling complete

Humbled to know how many people have given and continue to give hard earned money in order for so many dreams to come true

So much to process

So much emotion

I hope I can pull it together in time for the Sneak Peek Preview event on February 17 because the raccoon look from crying aint pretty

but this building and the love in it sure is

My first meeting was invigorating and after catching up with a friend I came back home to gather Larkin and take her with me to the next meeting.  There were many “firsts” in this process as I have never taken Larkin with me when I meet with a group, the twins wanted to tag along, and I have never spoken to an entire school that had decided to raise funds for Larkin’s Place.

The Lincoln Trails Middle School in Mahomet chose two charities to collect money for and we were one of them.  They asked if I would attend the assembly and tell them about Larkin & the YMCA and accept a check.  I had planned on taking just Larkin but the twins wanted mommy so my caregiver and I decided everyone would go.

I noticed as I put Larkin in her car seat that she had some smeared dried blood on her right hand and a bit of bright blood on her left so I did a quick assessment and found no injuries.  I asked Alora (our caregiver) if she had noticed any blood on the crib sheets or any bleeding and she hadn’t so I put in the back of my mind and moved on to the meeting.

The students at this middle school had worked so hard and raised over $1,000 and split that amount so Larkin’s Place was presented with $552.00 BUT the cool thing is we currently have an annoymous donor that is matching dollar for dollar all donations we take in until Feb 29 up to 2 million dollars.  Technically the kids donated $1,104.00!!  How awesome is THAT??!!

I was allowed to tell the entire school thank you and share with them some of our story and the vision of the YMCA & Larkin’s Place ~ so my morning was pretty spectacular thus far and off we went to my next meeting.

I met with 2 Unit 4 employees from the speech & language departments along with an outside consultant I hired to help create a foundational platform for Larkin’s Individualized Education Plan or IEP as it’s more commonly known.

Larkin was with me in her wheelchair and I sat down with the team to begin the breakdown of her needs.  There was a lot of conversation flowing and I went to hand Larkin a drink and I noticed something different about her mouth and I quickly opened her lips to see a gap instead of a tooth on her bottom row of teeth.

The smeared blood.  The bright spot of blood.  Her chewing on her hands over the past few days.

I was immediately filled with a huge range of emotions and couldn’t focus on the meeting for a while but gradually pulled myself together and plugged back into the work.

The speech consultant who is also someone I consider a friend was left with me at the end of the meeting and I couldn’t hold back my tears any longer.  I know this is the first of so many milestones we will have that are typical for all kids but atypical with how they present in our lives with Larkin.

I didn’t get to hear her excitement telling me her tooth was loose, how it felt as she wiggled it with her tongue, or talk about how we might have to pull it …. all those plans you make with your child.

I didn’t even have the tooth.

The tears flowed and I kept saying how weird it felt to be sad & thrilled all at the same time and my friend hugged me and spoke gentle words reminding me how meeting a typical milestone can bring out both emotions and to just feel it.

I cried when I told my friend Kim.  I cried when I told Andy.  I cry as I type this.

My morning was spectacular and those kids I spoke to at the school were amazing and that is what I keep going back to and reminding myself of all the goodness we are surrounded by in this community.

That puts the float back in my step and the smile back into place.

I spent some time looking on the floor of my truck and in Larkin’s car seat.  It’s amazing how pretzel bits can look like a tooth and I would get so excited thinking I HAVE IT ~ but I didn’t find it.   You might see me on my hands and knees going over every crumb & speckle in the corner of this house you now know why.  I really would like to hold that little tooth, a typical milestone, and put it in the tooth fairy box my girlfriend Suz bought me and see if daddy the tooth fairy will bring us a dollar or two to donate for the YMCA.

I may miss the goal of finding the tooth but I plan to leave daddy the tooth fairy a note explaining the situation and asking for a donation anyway.  My ache will smooth over in time and watching that amazing building go up & our community cheer us on makes it a whole lot easier.

I gotta admit Larkin looks a lot more grown up with that gap ~ Lauren Hutton better watch out

In order to make me laugh I thought I would take a photo of her new smile … it was a wrestling match of course so I hope it makes you laugh too cause Larkin was having NONE of it