Someone recently asked me, What one thing would you do if you weren’t afraid?

My answer was instant “I’m not afraid of anything” (except clowns)

I threw in the clown part because frankly, they are super creepy but also to make my answer not seem so snotty. Pausing, I considered the question again before I sent it off for print, but I didn’t change the answer because I answered from my gut.

I like answering from my gut, and I’ve learned over time to trust it.

After pondering the question more and discussing it abstractly with friends, I shaped the question more into ~ What am I afraid of? I’m not scared of doing things, and I don’t shirk away from trying new.

I hiked the Grand Canyon.

I eat snails

I’ve tried liver (blech)

I’ve driven a life-sized portrait of Lil Wayne around town in the middle of the night.

I jumped in an ice-cold lake for years to raise money.

I took a class, learned how to ride a motorcycle, & have my M on my license to prove it.

I even allowed a clown to hug me.

So I have done plenty and will do a lot more before my time on this planet is through

But I am afraid ~ and it’s has taken me some time to formulate this into words.

I lost a best friend. My friend Irina died, as I shared earlier this year in April. Taken far too soon from this life, her loves, her friends, her pets ~ her everything. It was sudden and painful, and for all those I listed and if I could do anything in the world to ease their ache I would

I can’t

One of my beloved caregivers lost her little sister about a month before my friend dying. It was sudden, painful, bewildering, and like Irina, gone far too soon from her loves.

I love a sweet young lady who lost her family two years ago, and I think of her every single day. I check in on her steadily, so she knows she is safe and loved

Trying to make sense of the senseless takes up a lot of space in my head.

I trust God, and I believe His processes.

I am afraid

Not because I don’t trust Him & all His ways because He surely knows it from my constant prayers

During a late-night phone call with yet another friend who has lost two besties in the past six months, I realized what the weight on my chest is since losing Irina.

We are afraid to be without those we love. The daily interactions, however small or big they may be, bind us to know how to navigate this riddle we call life.

Losing them causes such a domino effect because we are suddenly out of balance. The texts stop, phone calls cease, we can’t touch, we can’t jump in the car and meet for coffee, we can’t call the next morning after a blasting good time party and dissect all the pieces of it. the very worst ~ we can’t hear them laugh

It is so confusing to lose someone you love ~ especially when it is unexpected.

pain & confusion abound

I miss her voice and her calming way when I would be freaking out about something. “Amy they aren’t buying you a beer or paying your bills” “Amy I have a finite amount of Friday nights, and I am not spending it doing that”

Those family, friends, insert whoever that is for you here, who keep you calm, happy, and kick you in the pants when you need it. I lost one of those, and I am afraid to be here without her.

I realized I am vulnerable.

I realized I love profoundly & passionately.

They are where we all want to be (well most, hat tip to my friends who aren’t believers)

They are safe & loved at the highest level.

It’s life. Loss goes alongside it. Traveling hand in hand life & loss are companions, and as I experience more life I will experience more loss due to death.

I’m not afraid of my death which may sound odd, but I don’t fear death ~ but I do fear to be here without those I love

because I miss her

and so do so many around me

I can’t do anything except being the friend to them that she was to me.

and

trust Him & His processes

Isaiah 41:13 That’s right. Because I, your God, have a firm grip on you, and I’m not letting go. I’m telling you, ‘Don’t panic. I’m right here to help you.’

You have a finite amount of Friday nights. How will you spend them?

What are you afraid of?